I’m angry and I’m sad. I seem to oscillate between these two states. And when I’m not either of those I’m frustrated that I get that way.
I do believe a lot of it is because I’ve managed to attach my sense of self worth to stuff. Physical stuff, computers and cars and holidays. This is where the frustration sets in. I desperately need to break this cycle. I swear in my younger years I looked up at people like myself and swore I would not allow myself to become one of “them”. Me.
This depression comes from not realising childhood ideals. I’m not going to debate against these ideals. I’m not going to say we grow we change, because often I believe children see far more clearly than adults. They haven’t developed their grey areas, or at least their grey vision is not as powerful. Things are not as complicated to children. Simple answers to complicated problems should not be scoffed at but examined far more closely. Often we spend days agonising on how to minimise fall out only to create more havoc by trying to be clever
So what is there to be done about my current state of being?
Decouple myself from the corporate world, live off the grid seek happiness in small acts of random kindness? Give in and burn through my credit limit then apply for more?
Yes and no. I have always wanted to make a positive change in this world and I refuse to give up on that ideal. Random acts of kindness? Hell yeah! I want to be smarter about this, but I fear for the moment my current IQ is set (bring on the singularity!).
I’m choosing to be more positive, I’ve done this before to little effect. But I now believe you need to motivate yourself. A clear goal, steps along the way that you can tick off. I want to achieve my MBA specialising in sustainability. Further more I want to complete another Msc (Eng) in Environmental Engineering.
I doubt I have ever been happier than when I was studying (baring interference of external family drama). I love learning. I love associating with people that have vastly different ideas about how to inspire change. I miss time dedicated to thinking!
I suppose part of the problem was that I went form this world of concept and thought to the world of doing and making it work and time constraints. Perhaps I should have started off slower. Taken my time. Too fast I was caught up in the salary trap, too fast I acquired new debt to fuel my misconceived ideas of success.
Money is essential, but so is feeding your passion, and I think I started to forget that.
I’m 10 years out of school this year, I used to think that was important. Getting old so fast, nearly 30. Got to make something of your life is the chant, got to achieve, got to have more.
We forget we are the ones that have to set that pace, we are the ones that have to live with ourselves. We might as well set our own goals, look internally and make peace with who we are and what we want.
I choose to look within, I choose to secure my happiness and mental stimulation before I allow society to dictate that to me.
And fuck it, I’m getting a tattoo!